Wednesday 18th October 2006

This evening I was treated to a cardiovascular, respiratory, abdominal and nervous system exam.

Sadly I am not suffering from any exciting medical conditions, but instead received this examination by way of surreal revision for a medic friend of mine who has to do it under exam conditions tomorrow.

I was surprised to learn that “palpating the chest for thrills” is not just what happens at seedy massage parlours, but also the name of a legitimate medical procedure. Not one to tell the patient you’re currently doing it to if you want to avoid a slap, mind.

I can reassure those of you concerned for my well-being that my heart, lungs and reflexes are all pretty much in order. I apparently have a large liver, which could be a sign of alcoholism but probably isn’t since I’m tee-sub-total, and so goes little way to explaining anything. I am not quite sure what I will do with this slightly oversize internal organ. Armed with this knowledge, I feel I should take advantage of my healthy endowment in the liver department for some specialist big-livers-only activity, just as one with long legs might take up the high jump, one with long arms might take up pressing both buttons on a pelican crossing on opposite sides of the road simultaneously, one with large lungs might take up demolishing poorly-constructed houses in fairytales, one with a large nose might take up being mocked for their oversize hooter…why not try to think of some other things people with large organs might do?

Sadly, I’ve got no idea what amazing tasks one can perform with a massive liver. I think I recall from GCSE biology that it has over five hundred functions, so surely one of them must be interesting enough to merit an afternoon’s doing it slightly faster than or otherwise differently to someone with a smaller liver.

I am glad that the body takes care of most of this stuff automatically. Though if any of my DNA is reading, I’m happy to retain manual control of weeing, thanks.

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