Horoscopes for the week commencing Friday 27th January 2006.
♒Aquarius
There is a 23% chance that it’s your birthday this week.
♓Pisces
The superior conjunction of Mercury will be less significant to you than the large cash prize in a competition which you forget to enter.
♈Aries
You will waste a lot of time and paper finding out that your incomplete mastery of the Japanese art of origami is powerless to help you escape after getting locked in a paper factory.
♉Taurus
You know that little secret you’re keeping from your best friend? So do I. Isn’t astrology great?
♊Gemini
An unconventional and unplanned experiment with a chubby friend and a balcony proves somewhat painfully that differently-sized objects fall at the same speed.
♋Cancer
Your attempt to change your star sign to something less ominous by claiming to the International Astronomical Union that the constellation looks more like a teddy bear than a crab will end in failure when they rename it Ebola, the tropical hæmorrhagic fever.
♌Leo
You will wish you’d taken up a career more profitable than writing horoscopes when the bailiffs finally catch up with you about that whole ‘interest free credit’ thing, which, ironically, you paid 0% of. All donations welcome.
♍Virgo
You will discover that specificity is all after asking for a pizza with “everything” on it. If it won’t fit through the door, the know-all capitalist bastards will charge extra for crane hire.
♎Libra
You find out just how good coffee is at helping you stay up all night after spilling a fresh, hot cup all over your lap and spending the early hours in a burns unit. You will be in too much agony to notice the irony that only last week it was Burns’ Night.
♏Scorpio
If you are a whale, this is not a good week to swim up a busy major river to a capital city. The media’s sea-creature-interest story quota has been filled, so you won’t even die famous.
♐Sagittarius
Your astrologically-minded friends might call you a sad-git-tarius because you’re going to be in all week working. Sadly for your love of puns, you don’t have any astrologically-minded friends. Luckily, I’ve pointed the wordplay out to you. No, I don’t want to be your friend.
♑Capricorn
Don’t forget to look left and right and up and down when crossing the road, or your life-long neglect of the third spatial dimension will catch up with you.