Wednesday 11th February 2009

I think I am the only one who has realised about a dangerous conspiracy. Don’t stop reading now. I am not a nut. This might affect you—especially if you live in Oxford.

I think Oxford has been infiltrated by fake police.

Yes, these bobbies may look (a bit) like real policemen, but their amateurish disguises and crap acting give them away for what they are—criminal thugs, aliens or illegal immigrants, I’m not sure which yet.

My suspicions were first aroused on Monday whilst walking around Oxford’s Covered Market. I saw a copper walking around a flower stall looking distinctly shifty. Normally, the pigs carry on with a brash confidence (after all, they can do what the Hell they like, can’t they?), but this one was dallying about the place like a fifteen year-old buying condoms in a chemist where his mum, dad and Sunday school teacher work. He also had a suspiciously pronounced beer belly. This bloke didn’t look fat: he was either pregnant, or packing a load of drugs and explosives, or had a tiny extra-terrestrial living in there controlling him, like in Total Recall.

But who could I tell? I’ve seen enough episodes of 24 to know that telling a shifty terrorist pretending to be a cop about your suspicions is worse than playing it cool and getting the Hell out before the whole place goes up. So that’s what I did. The whole place didn’t go up, but it could’ve, that’s my point.

I might’ve written this off as an isolated incident (there’s a special isolated incident box to tick for that in my WH Smith conspiracy diary), but then today I saw something even weirder. I was cycling to work when I heard the sound of a siren. A cop-car pulled up to the red light in front of me, siren blaring, lights flashing. Don’t get the impression that we in Oxford (which has a dank criminal underbelly, you’d sure as Hell better believe that) are put out by a simple siren. A siren is stolen every three seconds in Oxford. Which I suppose is besides the point, but it gives you an impression of the level of criminality, and therefore the necessary level of policing, and therefore how many un-stolen sirens we do have to listen to. Anyway. The cop-car.

It was a small white hatchback. And not white like a real cop-car: they’re mostly blue and yellow these days. It was pure-as-driven-snow white, a little shitty hatchback with blue lights on top, like something they might use as a prop on a crap digital TV drama. And there were four blokes in civvies in it, who looked like they had no idea what they were doing. The driver had a silly goatee and looked to be uncertain/exhilarated at going through a red light. The other guys looked like they were having a right laugh. And what were four ‘plain-clothes officers’ doing in this shitty little car anyway? Where could you put the criminals you’re rushing to arrest? Well, it’s obvious to me. They are the criminals, terrorists or beer-belly alien receptacles.

They’re coming to get us. They’re coming to get you.

 

Comments

  1. You know who says (09:38 16/02/2009)

    The guys in total recall was a mutant, not an alien. He mutated a small thing growing out of his belly due to some crazy stuff in the fake martian atmosphere.

    I saw a suspiciously fake looking policeman last week waddling (again, beer belly) over Magdalen bridge, they're all over Oxford.

  2. Statto says (10:34 16/02/2009)

    Evil mutant fake police from Mars!!!

    This just gets better. Or possibly worse.

  3. Patel says (18:21 16/02/2009)

    What have you been eating/drinking/smoking recently ?

  4. Dave says (17:06 12/03/2009)

    it's no conspiracy
    http://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/headlines/4195238.Fake_policeman_pulled_over_motorists__court_told/

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