Wednesday 2nd January 2008
As I walked through the underwear department at Marks and Spencer today, I came to a grim realisation.
There seem to be an awful lot of extremely large bras on sale (I want to write ‘these days’, but I have little by way of historical data on bra sales). The effect may be something of an illusion because the humongous bras are so humongous that they take up a disproportionate amount of your field of vision and conscious thought as compared to the daintier undergarments. Either way, there seemed to be an awful lot of them.
However, lamentably, I very rarely see the women which go with these bras. On the packaging for the DD–G cup ones, a slim, pretty and huge-breasted woman looks longingly out at the customer, trying at once to look seductive for the man looking for a present for his other half and serenely self-confident for the modern woman looking for a bit of empowering push-up underwear to manage her assets to best effect. (The effect is probably more easily achieved than you might realise, because the bra-browsing lady probably looks at the model’s facial expression [serenely self-confident] whereas any self-respecting bloke will spend all his time looking at the DD–G cup boobies [seductive].)
So where are these huge-breasted beauties? If there were enough to fill all these bras, I very much doubt that the male population would ever get anything done, what with all the time that would be given over to ogling.
Then came the grim realisation: the women whose tits fill these enormous cups do not have hourglass figures, their quadruple-G breasts nicely offset by a miniscule waist followed by curvaceous hips fit to bear triplets—they’re just fat.
I see plenty of fat women with three-hourglasses-smashed-up-and-placed-in-a-formless-sack figures so, my anecdotal data suggest, it’s these ladies’ boobies which are causing the anomalous result.
A bit on research on the Internet threw up several articles claiming that average bra size is indeed going up, neatly correlated with the growing western obesity epidemic. It seems that I would have been quite justified in writing ‘these days’.
I did find an article in the Daily Mail attempting to demonstrate with a carefully randomised, statistically valid sample of the families of semi-attractive, large-breasted young women whose mothers and grandmas have smaller chests that breast size is skyrocketing generation on generation. If the trend demonstrated by these data was to continue, women in the year 3000 would not so much be heartily-endowed like Futurama’s Leila as totally unable to move for the weight of their huge, distended mammaries, like the queen of a termite colony rendered immobile by her pulsating abdomen-cum-egg-laying-machine.
If you bother to read the full text (I am a pedant, so I read that entire article just to make sure I wasn’t besmirching the Mail’s good name by accusing them of cherry-picking data, or anything), there is eventually some admission that maybe being fat has something to do with it. Even the tabloids agree with me.
These are dark times for breast lovers everywhere, and today a particularly dark day for me as I came to this realisation.
« Tuesday 1st January 2008Tuesday 8th January 2008 »
Tom F says (00:11 07/01/2008) ¶
Correction from a pedant: the sentence "women in the year 3000 would not so much be heartily-endowed like Futurama’s Leila as totally unable..." needs an 'as much' inserted before "heartily-endowed".
Why is it a dark day for that realisation? Were you previously under the completely non-empirical delusion that beautiful, large-breasted women were as numerous and prevalent in the real world as they are in movies, TV programmes, video games, and adverts?
After all there aren't huge problems with dangerous saggage in Britain's streets. (Thought I'd run with a Daily Mail tagline there, sorry.) Sports bras (that word needs an apostrophe in it somewhere to fit with your 'blog) are a requirement for well-endowed ladies that do running or other physical activities, otherwise major muscle damage occurs leading to no natural support. If there were many pneumatic ladies in the world, then sports bras would be selling like hot cakes (should that be 'hot buns'?). As they don't (though I have no evidence to support that, particularly), one has to suspect that there are either lots of large, saggy breasted ladies; or that the big-busomed babes are less babes than blobs who don't have any need for a sports bra, because 'sport' is something which something to watch as a sideshow to eating.
Patel says (19:25 07/01/2008) ¶
Why didn't the Mail also seek out data concerning knicker sizes then and now ? Presumably because if they had they would have shown that the population IS just getting fatter - and that would have blown their excuse for a shoddy prurient article about womens tits.
Bex says (16:37 10/01/2008) ¶
Are women with slim figures but abnormally large breasts actually attractive? Maybe I'm giving the males of the species too much credit here, but in my (admittedly female) opinion, if their proportions are like that then it just looks completely unnatural and weird, and therefore not very attractive at all. You just instantly think 'boob job!'
Anyway, there was a new scientist article a few years ago comparing women's figures today with 50 years ago, and apparently hour glasses are disappearing. The ratios of hips to waist, bust to waist etc are all getting smaller as people turn into drainpipes (as any woman with an actual arse trying to find a pair of jeans that fit these days knows) - the article seemed to throw the word androgynous around quite a bit if I remember rightly...