Sunday 21st January 2007

My brain did an odd thing this morning.

I have recently taken up shaving (having not lifted a razor for over a year what with my beard finally becoming passable [well, for a beard] without anything but trimming), and I had just finished removing the many days’ stubble from my face (I am not a very regular shaver yet…I am hoping it will come with practice [though that might mean that the more I shave, the better I am at shaving more frequently, leading to a horrible positive feedback loop which will leave me unable to do anything but shave all the time]) when it came to aftershave application time.

I splashed some of the extremely alcoholic stuff on my face (my current aftershave is somewhat like covering your face in whisky [though I assume my tongue would be more discerning than the surface of my skin, and thus it’s neither worth drinking aftershave nor splashing posh whisky on my cheeks]), but discovered moments later that I had poured slightly too much.

This is surely a situation with which we are all familiar. Too much aftershave, so where should you put it? (If you’re a girl, try imagining it with moisturiser instead [though many girls aren’t girly enough to use moisturiser—I have had shaving foam suggested as a suitable alternative, but that involves actually choosing new places you wish to remove hair from, which is a whole new kettle of fish].)

You could rub it over your hands, but their small surface area is unlikely to absorb it all and you will then be unable to perform everyday tasks, like typing (I am a nerd), without leaving a residue. Then, there’s the whole array of other places like chest, shoulders, upper arms…a bewildering choice, each with a few minor pros and cons.

I could make out that it’s a tough decision, but usually one makes it almost subconsciously and ends up with a slightly more moisturised neck or ears or something than one was expecting before setting out and that’s about as bad as it gets.

In many respects, the brain behaves as a question and answer machine. “I’m hungry; what should I do?” you input. “Find some food—try the fridge!” comes the helpful reply. So, I wondered: “I have slightly too much aftershave on my hands; where should I put it?” My brain responded: “Wherever there’s injustice in the World.”

My brain’s Q&A mechanism was clearly buggered, so I slapped the rest of the lotion onto my neck rather than seeking out wrongs to be righted and applying it to them (I am not sure aftershave is the answer to many of the World’s problems anyway). Undeterred by the obvious system failure, I then asked my brain “What shall I do for the rest of the day?”

I foolishly followed its advice, which was to play my new-ish guitar almost continuously, which has eaten away all my time and left fingertips.

 

Comments

  1. wifey says (21:58 19/04/2007)

    is that zeugma in your last sentence? i like it

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