Monday 16th October 2006
The only thing worse than going into a shop to buy camp, expensive conditioner is going into a shop to buy camp, expensive conditioner and discovering it’s on three for two and thus feeling duty-bound to make a bulk purchase for maximum cost efficiency.
One with curly, foppish locks such as mine is at massive risk of having their sexuality typecast by the cashier if he stumbles to the till weighed down by armfuls of bargainacious hair-care products. So, what can you do if you wish to escape the chemist without setting off every member of staffs’ gaydar in the process?
I can think of only one solution (apart from a haircut): reassert your heterosexuality by buying a massive pack of condoms.
This is a plan which must be effected carefully. Choice of condom packet is key to its success.
First comes the size: a three-pack looks like a throwaway purchase intended to distract attention from three bottles of rather-too-good conditioner, while a fifty-two pack is just a bit too heterosexual and implies that you should really start up some kind of wholesale deal with both a condom and a conditioner manufacturer to sate your clearly overwhelming need for both.
Then comes the type. If you accidentally pick up a twelve-pack of extra strong johnnies, then your fate is truly sealed. The conditioner-and-extra-strong-condom-bearing dandy will be a figure immortalised in retail lore, and that’s even if you don’t act all that camp with the cashier. Flavoured condoms, whilst perhaps at first sight an implication of manly, dominant sexual practice, are, in fact, ambiguous in sexuality terms. The best kind is clearly therefore the spermicidal condom, the procurer of which is clearly intending to prevent his highly potent seed from creating unwanted children in some lady-friend.
All of this assumes of course that you aren’t a teenage boy for whom even the idea of buying condoms sends you into fits of uncontrollable giggles. And that you aren’t actually gay.
The best solution, whether buying conditioner or condoms, is to stop bloody worrying what some underpaid checkout assistant makes of your purchase which, by the law of averages, has probably been made by several other people that day who, being big hair-conditioning poofs, are probably more camp than you are.
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Paw says
19:38:29 16/10/2006
It is not logically possible for there to be only one thing "worse than going into a shop to buy camp, expensive conditioner" if there's already "only one thing worse than people who are impolite", which isn't "going into a shop to buy camp, expensive conditioner and discovering it’s on three for two and thus feeling duty-bound to make a bulk purchase for maximum cost efficiency" but "those who wish to impose their impeccable manners upon you". You should get your worseness scale sorted out.
Of course, there's only one thing worse than any of those, that being pedantry.